Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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