I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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