I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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