I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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