if you like me you must not know who I am
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Randomize
