Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
