I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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