living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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