Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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