can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
