i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
