your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
