I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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