I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
