when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
