you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
