I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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