Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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