If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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