my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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