this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
