1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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