you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
