mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
