dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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