I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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