Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
