I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
