So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
