as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We're too hungover to prance.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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