i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
