Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
