Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
