Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
