I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
