I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
