remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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