I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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