she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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