I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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