This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
