if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
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Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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