you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We have started to decorate penises.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
