the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
