Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
