dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
