i already hear my dad disowning me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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