I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
