I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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