dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
