It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
