WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
