look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on